Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
