Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
