Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
