We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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