Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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