I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize