Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
