when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
