A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
