im so drunk with asians
where?
always
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
