Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
