so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
