I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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