3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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