oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
