Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
someone owes me an orgasm
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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