I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
