last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
