I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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