Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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