Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I came so hard my ears popped.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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