I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
