i think my tv is drunk
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
