I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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