I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
