we made out on top of his cat.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
