if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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