so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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