dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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