if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
