on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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