Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
