Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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