I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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