Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
