He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
