Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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