My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
