Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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