I have demons in me.
i already hear my dad disowning me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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