a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
