so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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