I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
