Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
