smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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