Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
