Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
