It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my shit smells like andre
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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