i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
