she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Life without a bra equals bliss.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
