You really coming over, don't trick.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
im calling her cock vulture from now on
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I want to fling myself into the sun
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
