do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
