well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
