We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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