Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
