What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
