I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
