remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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