You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
