hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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